Thursday, December 28, 2017

Relationship Goals

LOOK AT HIS FACE. Hahahahaha. I would totally wear this shirt, but I was born genetically missing the mental capacity for shame...

So a few years ago I was in a quasi-relationship with a girl that ended up with us deciding to just be friends, but not tell each other about our dating lives. I now know how dumb that idea was, which is really what this blog is about. If you're not telling each other about your dating and sex life, then you're not really friends, lesson learned!

Every year I think people make the same exact resolutions: I want to be more honest with my dating partners! Yet doing this in real life means having painful conversations, and acknowledging that some of your relationships are not ever going to evolve into something healthy.

That doesn't mean that having fuck-friends is unhealthy.  Although experimentally this year I found I tended to shy away quite quickly or catch feelings, which is very chick-like of me and unbecoming for someone who writes what is essentially a sex blog.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Locality Matters

Fucking is the very definition of hyper-local but dating is global. I've been reflecting on this because my friend C, who is a divorced successful guy in his early 40's with two kids, posted a frustrated Facebook question the other day about meeting women in his town. Here is what I wanted to paste at him:

As a early-40's guy (as C also is), below is why you end up dating more women in their 20's than in their 30's, something thirty-something women know already.

The red "No" of relationship death.

The other issue that is going to weigh heavily on C is that after he goes through a period of casual sex with strangers, his expectations for what he gets out of a relationship are going to be high. If you hang out with B for a while you can see what pro-level girlfriending looks like, and its massively involved. Cold hard facts start to set in: Women may want superficial relationships because that may be all they have time for.

Because below is the initial understanding C has, that we all had when we got divorced, because media shoved it down our throats as reasonable:

"I thought our story was epic, you know. You and me. Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. You know, epic!"

Can you be post-divorce and still want epic or has that nerve been cauterized? Maybe you can. But epic isn't going to be found on a dating website. Epic is the people you're on a journey with already. Learn how to date them, I tell myself. Buy some damn plane tickets, get over all the random baggage in your way with the people around you! Clearly this is more advice for me than for C, but here is what I've learned: you can break all the rules and you'll be happier for it. I guess that's something every hacker should already know?

Turtles all the way down

The problem with reading books as a blogger is that you invariably end up writing in their voice and a blog is all about finding your own. But anyways, this is a review of John Green's Turtles All the Way Down.

This is the face of a guy who knows he's going to be getting quoted all the time by internet strangers...

The thing about John Green is he's super successful. That means if you know anything about him, you know he also does Crash Course, which is like a Khan Academy 2.0 through every subject ever, and is involved in two movies, and has written about a ten of these books in the Young Adult genre all of which can legitimately be called "Best Sellers". But it's like the new Taylor Swift album: she is magical at putting phrases together but you can see the mechanics under it all when she tries to write about anything other than dating super hot rich rock stars.

Likewise, John Green clearly was making his Crash Course Philosophy videos as he wrote this book since random characters opine about subtle ideas in Descarte as they try to assuage the main character that having an anxiety disorder is A-OK. And he wrote Turtles to the numbers with twists as unsurprising as in Twilight. Here's an example "twist": It's the girls trying to have friends with benefits relationships in Turtles and the guys looking for relationships. 

This is because like all young adult books, nobody in the book is any younger than the author and when you hit 35 girls will start off a first date with "I'm DTF but that's it. Do you live near here?" Of course I always respond by asking what DTF stands for.

"Our hearts were broken in the same places. That's something like love, but maybe not quite the thing itself" (Dawson's Creek or Turtles? You tell me.)

At one point the main character says to her boyfriend "Why are all the entries in your blog about me started with quotes from The Tempest? Is it because we are shipwrecked?" That's Dawson's Creek level writing - having a teenager introspect like a 35 year old guy who spends all day learning about literature so he can single-handedly rescue our failing school system. 

But we read John Green books not to figure out what it's like to be a teenage girl, but because he is a master at work and when he's at his best, he's got something few other writers have. Perhaps this is because he's been forced to get a history and philosophy degree from his work on YouTube. Things like this: 
"My favorite pictures of my dad are the few where he's out of focus - because that's how people are, really."
So you know what? Five out of five stars. You could do worse than a day with a John Green book.

Monday, July 3, 2017


So yesterday B drove me to the doctor's office while I was high on Valium. The doctor and I get along as we're basically the same age. Then he literally cut my balls open and cauterized some things inside while I was awake and having a conversation with him about how he would never date another doctor because he's already super busy and frankly he wants someone who is not focused on their career. THAT'S EXACTLY EVERY CAREER WOMAN'S WORST NIGHTMARE VERBALIZED.

The drama in my head was less about the actual surgery but more because the place I had frozen my sperm with had not called me yet so I wasn't sure if that had even worked. Look, masturbating into a tiny plastic cup is not the easiest thing in the world! Pictured below, the IVF masturbation room, for those who have never been there.

They helpfully have 90's porn setup for historical use only in case you can afford IVF but can't afford a phone. I hear there's still women who get upset if their husbands masturbate or look at porn. Is that true?

I was prepared for a call the day after my vasectomy saying the sperm storage had failed and it being too late to rectify the matter. Mentally, I was adjusted to the idea of having three kids, which is PLENTY, and not being able to have any more. A lot of women (especially in their thirties) are looking at guys as "kid dispensers" which is the gender-opposite of men looking at women as "sex dispensers". This makes dating hard in so many ways because with just one or two kids, the women can convince themselves that you might want "just one more". Happily ever after is still available!

When you have three kids, the women have to like you for ... you. Much harder. Which is why guys in their 40's date women in their 20's almost exclusively, in case you were a 30-something woman and curious.

But I did want a backup in case future me is batshit crazy enough to want more kids. So when I got home after the surgery (limping around the house with B laughing at me),  I called the IVF center up, and they told me I have 4 units stored. Hooray! Units I may never use but which allow me to play kid dispenser as needed. Keeping the dream alive! You never know. Being 41 and dating is weird in so many ways.

It was 8am. I was excited and high! I will spare you my other pictures from this event!

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

A Reader Review

Not pictured: Renee

So a bunch of us were hanging out at Meat Market, and we were drinking and this blog came up. I could talk more about that dinner, because I was with someone there but keeping it somewhat under-cover, and also because there are interesting facets to dating people in the hacking industry (which is 99% male) that I'm maybe hyper-sensitive to now. But instead, I'll plow forward with the three links I sent my friend's gf at dinner as the "best of" of TinderTips:

Here is her response:

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Affect vs Affection

"Redbull gives you .... wings."

So B and I used to watch lots of Dexter. And one thing about serial killers and just crazy people in general is they have a "Flat Affect" if you are not a scientologist and still believe Psychology is a thing. In real terms, this means they weird you out by not reacting with emotion to the things around them the way a normal human would.

I'm not Dexter, but like many hackers I have a bit of a different emotional reaction to many things that most humans do. Maybe it's because I get all my rage out on computers, and never people - people are fucked up and you have to expect that they're going to sleep with your coworkers and generally misuse your expectations. It never makes me angry when they do that, the way it does when my Solaris exploit isn't working because they built two different size fucking code caches into different chips with the same name.

What that means is that when I'm in a relationship with a girl they often are like "Why are you never mad?" and so I always wonder if normal guys are constantly yelling like gorillas over nothing all the time. Even my divorce lawyer told me he felt like he was dealing with a robot during the whole negotiation.

I'm not sure what to do about this. Maybe pretend to get angry more? My emotional stack needs some sort of upgrade.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Things you should never say writ large

So most of the time I love being single. But there's always those days (aka, Steak and Blowjob day) when you're re-thinking your strategy around relationships and you binge-click on OkCupid, the worst dating website in the whole fucking Multiverse.

Part of what makes OKC so annoying is that their little question-game works. It's totally true that I'll really like the first page of girls, who match 90% with me. It's also true that those are probably the best friends of someone I've already dated, and "liking" them is bound to just cause trouble in some oblique way. I mean, what if your ex's best friend had met you first, and then she would be your ex, and your ex would be your ex's best friend!

90% more awkward than before next time I see her at a party. :)

I always like their profiles anyways, because like B, I find awkward situations hilarious.

This filters down into my sex life. Every so often I'll say something completely unexpected, even to me. Like recently right after sex I said to someone "We should win an award for 'most vanilla sex ever!" Needless to say, this sort of commentary goes over like a lead condom.

B says "You should know that saying something like that means you're never having sex with her again, right?"  But part of it is that when you're out there somewhere on the bell curve's fractaline edge, you are your own shit-test. In other words, I failed when getting into relationships before because I tried to be so much more acceptable than I really am. Like, there's the parts of me that are "quirky" like I like to eat weird foods, and then there's the parts of me that are "bought a male vibrator and wrote a blog about it".

I leave you today with this:

Every picture on her profile was from her wedding. I love Tinder for bringing me this insanity, whatever it is.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Bought this hilarious sex toy...

Vibration is not the "thing" that works for most guys. But then, there are guys who seem to like rubbing themselves in cashmere, so who the fuck knows. You don't want to be missing out on something incredible because you're all uptight and thinking "in the box", right? That's not the hacker way! 

Click below to to speak.

It comes from a company called "Hot Octopus". Not sure what an "anti-stall" sensor is, or why I'd want one, but ... at least it's not the DreamLover 2000.

How does THAT work, I wonder, and everyone else in the office wonders.

Oh, and this is why DC is not the city for hackers that it thinks it is: SO CONSERVATIVE. :)

Monday, January 30, 2017

Dominance and Submission

She sent this to me, along with ten thousand other angrier messages, after things went immediately and horribly sour.

As seen above, it doesn't always work. There's no technique to dating, there are only surprises. The more people you try to know deeply, the more you realize how ignorant we are of each other's true selves. 

That's not to say you can't draw stereotypes out for your own amusement! Besides, painting people with a broad brush can sometimes highlight the true exceptions to the rules. Let's start:

Submissive women always have a thousand times more self confidence than dommes

"dazzle me with you intellect and wit"

"I want your experience to be a great one"

"I want a rich guy."

I think this is because female submissive sex is 100% normalized. At this point if your boyfriend isn't tying you up sometimes you're having a weirdly vanilla and boring sex life. But it's possible there's more to it. Female Dominants tend to be older and more overweight - and older and heavier does not equal "more self-confident" for women in the dating pool. 

Let me put it this way: Experimentally it's a fact, like gravity. Of course, there are always exceptions which is why dating is so fun in the first place.

Open Relationships are as Bullshit as Monogamous Ones

A week ago I'm at a bar, having crashed the Columbia, MD FetLife meetup after a work meeting. I find these things fascinating. So many "super dominant" 24yo guys who can't afford a car yet. Anyways, I get to talking to two different couples - both of whom were in Open Relationships. 

Couple A were engaged, but living in their parent's basement. 

Couple B was two people who'd met at an SCA event and been married for many years. They were just getting over the wife cheating on him with another person she'd met at an SCA event. (SCA being a sort of meta-Renaissance Fair - probably with more turkey legs and some sort of opaque legal structure). 

Neither couple was seeing anyone else, or really even open to it.

I didn't probe too much into how you can cheat on someone while in an open marriage. Open Relationships have the kind of convoluted law only a patent attorney could love. You're allowed to sleep with other people but not in my house, and not people I know, and not on Tuesdays because that's our night, and not without safe sex, and safe sex is defined as in Appendix B ... look, I get it. You don't WANT it but you WANT to want it. Or when you do, in fact want "it", it has a tendency to get out of control, and result in being suddenly single. 

It's also true that people in Open Relationships are more happy than people who think they're in monogamous relationships. They have the fig leaf of freedom. It's just when the fantasy meets reality that people get hurt. 

And of course, when they don't, it's usually because what you're doing is dating. You don't have to commit to make commitments to people. What I've learned is this: We're not all or nothing.

What If

Me: Fruit for size
Her: Is that an orange?
Me: Technically it's an orange lemon hybrid
Her: That doesn't help.

Sometimes though, it does work. You can meet people anywhere. Tinder is a thing. But I've also met dates on Instagram, or playing Overwatch or even occasionally in 3d spacetime. And invariably you'll find you're closer to them than you thought, which is probably the scariest thing to find out about someone. Generally you'll learn this after sex though, when you're able to focus on things other than the proper way to build a rope harness without cutting off circulation.